A lesson of Humility
"How do you declare yourself: responsible, not responsible, responsible with an explanation?". "Not responsible, your Honor" I said with a firm voice and with a strong desire to fight for the injustice i experienced couple of weeks before. Little i knew that my choice to fight the ticket would have been the reason for my sentence.
Some time ago i learned about one of God's laws called "Law of Attraction".
It is based on the principle that all the unhealed emotions stored in our soul will attract events in our life meant at prompting that very same emotion with the purpose of helping us process it and heal it. In other words, it's God way to tell us what we need to work on in order to progress spiritually. It's His special feedback system.
I was extremely intrigued by this theory and as soon as I heard about it I decided to put it into practice to see if it was indeed a law and mostly to see if it could help me point at my emotional wounds. (I have been working on myself for some time now and therefore i have been very open to new experiences, theories and ideas).
I feel it's important to mention that i am not a religious person, though i consider myself to be extremely spiritual. As strange as it might sound, I've actually become much more spiritual after getting away from religion.
Religion has been the trampoline that has given me the thrust to dive deeper into the sea of spirituality and it definitely helped me develop my relationship with God (though it is not the only way to get started - and in some cases it is actually the reason why that relationship is never developed) but the real search for the meaning of Life has started only after demolishing the walls of religion. It's impossible to describe with enough accuracy all the nuances of colors composing a breathtaking sunset, and it's even harder to express in words what it feels like to experience such a scene. A picture is better than a 1000 words but sometimes even that is not enough to describe the beauty and complexity of what you see and religion represents to me what that picture represents for the sunset.
So when I learned about the Law of Attraction I got excited to experience it and I immediately started to look out for events in my life that would help me point out at an unhealed emotion. Sure enough it didn't take long for the first to show up.
I was driving from work to my daughter's daycare when a police car pulls me over. This is a 25miles/hour road that i have been taking everyday for 2 years without ever having any issues. Clearly not that day. I was given a ticket for rolling over a stop sign. When i was told by the police officer what the offense was i felt a deep feeling of anger. It felt so ridiculous to get a ticket for rolling over a stop sign in a 25miles/hour street.
I spent a few minutes trying to reflect on what was the meaning of the event but every time I played the scene in my mind I felt extremely overwhelmed by anger. "Could this be related to how I feel about money? Or maybe it's related to how I feel about men?".
I felt lost, besides anger there was nothing more I could really feel and eventually i decided to ignore that crappy feeling inside of me and surrendered to the idea of paying the fine. It could have been a coincidence at that point.
Another interesting Law that God put in place is called the "Law of Cause and Effect" which states that if you ignore the pain associated to an event you will now experience an even bigger event until you deal with the cause. No need to say, the Law of Attraction is the link between a cause and an effect.
So, not even a week after my first ticket i got a second ticket at the very same stop sign, this time after mindfully counting to 3!
When the officer told me the reason why I was getting the fine I argued that I did stop this time and I even counted 3 Mississippis out loud. To that he replied "Well, you stopped at THIS stop sign, but you didn't take a full stop at the previous one!".
I stared at him speechless. I definitely was not expecting that answer and I couldn't believe this was happening to me....again!!! I was still trying to forget my first ticket (which felt already quite unfair) and now I got a second one even more unfair than the first.
So, that evening i forced myself to sit down and reflect about my feelings. "What do I feel? What do I feel? What do I feel?" I kept asking my self. It is not easy to identify your emotions when anger gets in the way but I was determined to find out what this was about and I kept meditating on the event until I finally connected to the underlying feeling of INJUSTICE. (Seems obvious now but it wasn't at the time, i swear).
As i started to connect to that feeling, a couple of painful memories from the past resurfaced into my mind and sent me in a state of grief that lasted roughly a couple of days.
Once the process got over i felt pretty good about the entire thing and actually felt like i had dropped a burden from inside but the day of the hearing I went in determined to contest the ticket. I was still hungry for justice.
So after i explained what happened to the judge she agreed with me that it was indeed an unfair way of giving a ticket, however when the officer started to read a detailed description of how I had rolled over the stop i felt he could be right. I honestly didn't remember how many seconds i stopped at the first sign because i was too focused on not messing up the next one.
So when i was asked by the judge to reply to the officer accusations i only said that i felt it was unfair how he gave me the ticket and that of course caused her to think that there was a chance i had not stopped.
Coming out of the court I felt a horrible feeling pervading me and strangely enough I knew it was not about the fine. Something didn't feel right about how i handled the process.
I started to question myself if it would have been a better idea to lie....i'm sure that would have convinced the judge to remove the ticket (she was definitely prone to remove it) but that didn't feel right either.
I asked God to help me understand and few hours after the fact I realized what this was all about. If i had declared to be responsible with an explanation I would have allowed the judge to be in a different position. in the light of my admission she could have decided to remove the ticket because of the way it was given, but because I went in for a fight she had no other choice but find me guilty.
My lack of humility instantly fired back at me.
Often times we try to fight circumstances and we think we can be better at defending ourselves than God but the reality is that when we operate in Truth and act with Love and Humility we are already in line with God's laws and therefore they can take care of us without having us do anything.
On the other hand, when we try to create our own justice we end up breaking one of those 3 principles (Love, Truth, Humility) and God's laws start operating against us to show us the error.
I'll be honest, it's been a tough pill to swallow and once I've allowed myself to feel the pain of my mistake it's taken me 3 days to let it out of my body.
This experience has been extremely humbling and showed me not only how effective God's laws are but also how much Grace and Love there is an His way to show us the Way.
I can't wait for my next effect to show up in my life, but until then i decided to count 5 Missippissis at every stop sign i cross. Lol.