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My forever Valentine

Months ago I started an experiment with fears and I documented my first outcome on the post called “First conclusions”. Today I’d like to document the rest of it.

After the first time, I decided I was going to keep trying the same breathing technique again and again until the reaction would change from complete stiffness to nothing.

It took me about 10 “sessions” to get to that point.

The second time I tried I had almost the same reaction as the first time, except that I was lying on my kitchen floor. I had started the breathing while driving and I kept going while fixing some lunch for my daughter and me.

I didn’t anticipate I was going to be as paralyzed as the first time so I ended up lying down on the floor while trying to convey to my daughter the message that stuff was burning on the fire. Having the facial muscles paralyzed made it difficult for me to speak so she kept making fun of my facial expressions rather than turn off the flame but eventually she understood the message and saved our lunch.

The third time, I was walking from a car dealership to my sister’s house and after about 10 minutes of heavy breathing and fast walking I made it to her house. When I got there I told her this was an experiment and I ended up lying down on her living room floor while trying to reassure her that this was..aheim..normal?

The 4th time I tried the breathing technique things started to change and instead of having the usual 30-40 minutes of stiffness I noticed a decrease in time and intensity. I kept going for 4-5 more times until, on the last one, I felt a little numbness in my hands accompanied by some tickling but nothing more than that. I also noticed that most of the times I would end up the process feeling extremely hungry. I attributed that to the fact that I would often do the breathing after I had just woken up or close to a meal but many times that wasn't the case so I am not sure if this is something relevant in any way.

I wish I had a better understanding of this process and I could explain better what happened from session 1 to session 8 that made me go from stiff to ticklish but the truth is that I have no idea. Based on the assistance group videos, the stiffness is a result of repressed terror that we are carrying along since our childhood. This terror is often related to being ourselves and releasing it means that we are no longer afraid of being 100% our true self.

I don’t know if this is what happened to me and, frankly, there is no way for me to prove it but one thing I can say for sure: I am different. The past year has had such an impact on myself that I feel like a complete new person. I am indeed more comfortable being myself in front of others, I fear less what people might think or say if I act in harmony with my feelings, and my happiness is greater than ever. I now understand why Jesus defined true gratitude as effortless. There is so much I am grateful for these days. It’s almost as if my senses are stronger and widened and things that before went unnoticed now are a source of joy and pleasure.

The change that I saw in myself is in itself a reason for gratitude and I hope this process will continue at the pace that I have been keeping so far.

It’s hard to conceive how much happiness we are capable of experiencing if we stay humble to the process of growth. I am so used to the old same “good things never last forever” that I often tell myself I should not get used to this feeling of bliss. But isn’t that just another fear? Fear of staying open and vulnerable.

Last week I realized that part of my blocks towards God have to do with my fears to open up to Love. I am still all clammed up in my pain and I am afraid of opening up my heart to anyone who could love me, including God. I am carrying along with me all the hurt from the past and using it as a shield to protect myself from the world. Or at least that’s what I think I’m doing.

In reality I am just nurturing that pain and shying away from further happiness.

Sometimes I day dream of what my life would be like if my soulmate and I were together and I often catch myself thinking that I cannot have it all.

Everything in my life is going so well that having a soulmate relationship as well would be way too much. It would be like having a cake and eating it too and who am I to deserve so much happiness? I can barely allow myself to dream about it, let alone actually living it. But God is abundance and He wants us to not only eat the cake but also partake of the infinite buffet that He has prepared specifically for us.

He had but one purpose in mind when blowing life into our Soul: to let us experience the gift of his Love and to receive the gift of ours. Why would I turn such a sweet offer down?

Happy Saint Valentine’s day, Father. You are My forever Valentine!

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